What If I Never Wake Up One Day?

What If I Close My Eyes Forever?

Trigger Warning: Death, Suicide, Self Harm

Dear Reader,

This question has always been in the back of my mind. Ever since I was a child, I’ve had thoughts about death and leaving everyone and going somewhere else and never coming back. I can’t say that I was having suicidal thoughts during any point in my life but I have been definitely fed up of this world many a time. That’s why I decided to answer this question today. I want to write about my death and what will happen after that. I know, talking about death is not something we should often do but I can’t stop my mind from thinking about this all the time.

So, let’s start. First, I would like to tell you about my preferred way of death. Now, there are a lot of ways you can die. Some gruesome and some peaceful. I would like to die with peace and less pain. So, for me dying while sleeping is the best way to leave this world. That happens a lot when you become really old. So, I hope I die when I become really old and it would become really difficult for me to walk, speak and do all sorts of things that we do on a daily basis. But, what if I don’t die while sleeping? What if I’m met with an accident one day? What if, I fall down from a balcony? Or, what if, I commit suicide by hanging myself up or consuming poison? Who knows? I can die while being young in my 20s or… when I’m well settled in my married life with kids, or when I'm 89 years old, with no teeth and a bunch of medicines beside my bed along with a walking stick.

I’ve always found death fascinating. And I don’t know what’s the reason for it. Whenever a person died, be it someone known or unknown to me, I wouldn’t feel really bad. I mean, I would feel sad… but for their family members who have been with them for such a long time. This is something that might be a little shocking for some but I have never cried during funerals. Even when my dear grandmother died in 2011, I was just numb with no tears on my cheeks and just a blank expression on my face. Maybe because, I was in a shock as she was the only one with whom I felt really connected to.

When another one of our family members died in 2023, I didn’t cry at that time as well. He wasn’t someone I was deeply attached to. So, I was feeling bad for his wife and kids but not even a single drop of tear trickled down my cheeks. Then, I wondered. What if I don’t see death as this tragic end? What if, my mind isn’t allowing me to cry for the ones who have gone because I’m relieved that they’re gone? They must have been suffering something terrible from within which led them to their deathbed and it’s good that they finally succumbed to it. This is what makes death comforting for me.

So, in this essay, I want to imagine, or rather predict the day I die. I know this might feel really gloomy and depressing to read but please bear with me and my fascination for death for a moment. This isn’t me romanticising or mocking death by any means. I truly know how sensitive this topic is and believe me when I say, that I feel the same way too. This is me trying to foresee the future and write with a perspective that I won’t be able to perceive when I die for real one day.

Now, as you all know, I live alone in a different city. So, if I die alone, which is the most unfortunate thing to happen to anyone, my family wouldn’t be able to know about my death for a long time. Who will call them? Who will pick up the call? If mom picks up, she’ll definitely faint and I think dad will too. Losing your only child is a pretty sad thing to experience and may no parent ever get to live through this moment. After hearing the news, they would fly to my city as soon as possible and then all the rituals will take place accordingly.

Now, what if I die when I’m with my parents? So, I go to sleep in the night after talking to everyone for the very last time. The next morning, I don’t wake up. Mom comes in and tries to wake me up. My body won’t show any signs of movement. She would panic a bit and call dad. Dad will come and try to wake me up as well. Finally, they will give up and start crying. Now, will I be witnessing all this from somewhere in the room? Some people say that after you pass away, your soul (if there is one) lingers somewhere near, until all the rituals take place. So, I (my spirit) will be watching my parents breaking down beside the bed. They will eventually call the whole family. Everyone will start coming one by one. The arrangements for the funeral according to Hinduism will be made.

Many people will arrive. They’ll talk about me. How I was perfectly fine last night. No one will have an idea of what actually happened. Some will say a cardiac arrest while sleeping. That might be a plausible explanation. Or, I might have consumed something that would lead me to the funeral pyre the next day. Knowing me, the latter cause might not be true because I’m generally, quite an advocate for not committing suicide. But, who knows what I’ll be going through at some point in my life? Coming back to my family and other people, they would talk how I was such a good person. I was always helpful. I would always talk nicely. No one will say anything bad about me even if they had something to say. I’ve always seen this. The moment someone dies, everyone only speaks about the good things about them, which is understandable and also good. Who wants to make the family more sad by saying something bad about their son who just passed away, right?

Now, someone might have to notify about my death on social media as well. Who will do that? My parents? No, they would be too distraught to do that. My sister? She might if someone would ask her to, but won’t be able to post just at the moment. She would take some time. Eventually, she’ll post from my phone with a black and white photo of mine on Instagram. People will start to react and reply with white hearts and flying doves along with RIPs and ‘Om Shantis’ in the comments. I wonder, will anyone post a note about my death on Substack? If you ask me, I don’t think so. So, all of you (let’s see how many people continue to be friends with me here and till when) might not be able to know about my death for a very very long time. Everyone will assume I’ve left the platform and just forget about me eventually. If someone does post a note, then the same thing will happen. A trail of RIP replies with white hearts and all.

My spirit will be watching everyone crying, some sitting in silence while some people might be overseeing the funeral preparations. Finally, my body will be taken to the cremation ground on four shoulders. It will be placed on the pyre. After some rituals, my father will set fire to the pyre and I will become one with the five elements. Everyone will return home and won’t say anything for a good hour or so. They will be thinking about me for the entire night. Maybe have a dream about me as well. Finally, one day they’ll eventually move on and just learn to live without me.

So, this is how I predict the day I die. I know it’s nothing special, but whenever I die, I hope no-one feels really sad. So sad, that it affects their health. My dream is to live a life and achieve everything that I want to achieve. I want to make my parents proud and try to give them the best life possible. For me, dying is not scary, but the fact that my loved ones will have to live without me is more scary to me. God should try to erase the memories of the one who has passed away, from the minds of their family. It happens eventually, but they always have that memory of the dead in the back of their minds. That’s a boon and a bane at the same time. Well… I’m still alive I guess. So, until I really die, this is the way how I want to experience my death. I hope you liked reading this. Thank you!

Ps: This is the 50th post on my publication. I’ve reached half of a century. Great!!! Thankyou so much for always supporting and caring for my opinions and thoughts.

Farewell.