Guilty As Sin?

Drowning in the blue nile.

Dear Reader,

After months of ruminating and second guessing my writing capabilities, I’m here with a long form post. I would still say, that I don’t feel like writing anymore as much as I used to. It’s just that something happened with me lately or should I say, I did something that’s pushing me to write about it to process and feel relieved about it. I don’t know who will or won’t read. At this point, I just write for myself and that’s enough for me.

So, today I wanna talk about guilt. A strange, not talked about a lot but a very common and valid feeling. You can feel guilty for a lot of things. For not being your best everyday. For not being able to perform as well in academics or work as you want to. Or, even for not being able to tell your best friend how his girlfriend was talking to you behind his back for so long. Yes, that’s what I wanna write about today. Basically, I became a part of a triangle of sorts, not necessarily a love one but a very confusing one for that matter. The only reason I’m writing about this here is just to process this myself. I have always been extremely honest on this publication and today will be no exception.

My college best friend, let’s call him Rochester, talked to me a few weeks ago. He was telling me how he got infuriated when he saw the screenshots of my and her girlfriend’s chats last year. He felt she was cheating on him with me, and that resulted in a dramatic fight between them. He was sad that I never told about this to him, and rightfully so. I never told him cause I had my own reasons. She had asked me to never tell him that we two talked behind his back. Now I’m also a human being and I make mistakes. This was a mistake obviously. But I can’t blame her as well. Rochester had a lot of trust issues. He would always be very possessive of her and would never allow her to talk to any other guy. She didn’t like hiding the fact that we talked but given the circumstances she had to.

While he was telling me how he got so angry that day, and how I blocked him and his gf after he got angry with me, I assured him that we two don’t talk anymore. And as soon as that sentence came out of my mouth, I felt something sharp piercing my heart. Yes, it was guilt. The guilt of not being able to tell the truth to him. Even after knowing that would ruin things between the three of us, I really wanted to tell him the truth.

At that same fucking moment, she messaged me asking for some lecture notes. And that kind of triggered my emotions. I was feeling guilty and the moment I saw her message, my tone changed. I ended the call with Rochester in a few minutes. I sent her all the notes she asked for. Then, she said thank you and also asked me for some code I wrote in my colab notebook. She gave me her mail id and password for me to log in and copy paste my code into her notebook. That was the breaking point for me. Yes, it was nothing serious. But still, I don’t know why I just felt miserable at the moment. I politely asked her to take the code from her boyfriend, and I will not login her mail on my computer. Then she replied saying, “Why? You can develop an entire project for Rue and can’t even do this much for me?” Btw, Rue (name changed) is one of my really good friends in college. We’ve been talking a lot recently. That’s for another post though.

Anyway, this was literally the final breaking point for me. I got infuriated and just texted, “Why do you have to get her in all this fuss? I’m not your boyfriend. Do not talk to me like that. Why can’t you ask him? Feeling shy? Go ask him for the code. I won’t give you.” And then she started getting angry, really really angry, saying how rude I’m being with her. I never understand her. I always do this. She has no energy left to continue this now. And I just said, “Yes, that’s what I want. I don’t wanna talk to you anymore. Please leave me alone. I’m just not feeling well lately.” She said, “Oh what happened suddenly? He must have manipulated you. You always listen to him.” “No-one has manipulated me. I’m just tired and feeling guilty. I talk to him frequently and it just feels heavy to not tell him we talk behind his back. So this is the end. Goodbye.”, I said.

“Are you serious? What the fuck is this? How can you do this to me? You know I have separation anxiety and this is making me feel miserable. I thought you were different but all guys are literally the same.” I just said, “I’m sorry but I can’t lay buried in all this guilt anymore.” Finally after a long texting session of an hour or so, we finally bid adieu to each other. She wasn’t ready to part ways so I had to threaten her that if she said anything mean to me again, I would be forced to share the screenshots of our latest chats to Rochester. She got really angry at that but finally the conversation ended.

Then next day, Rochester unaware of what happened last night messaged me asking to make a group where I could share notes with her in front of him. I didn’t agree at first but then kinda did saying I won’t talk to her at all. The group was made. He asked for something and I texted, “Will send after sometime. Having lunch.” He was fine with it. Then she texted her long list of things to ask for. I read them but didn’t reply as I was eating. Then I went in the kitchen to wash dishes. When I came back to check my phone and send the notes, I was shocked to see all her messages deleted. I asked him about what happened to her. “She thought you were ignoring her.”, he said. I was like, “Wow, what an impatient being she is. Couldn't she see what I wrote earlier?” Rochester went in the group and started scolding her for this. They got into a fight. He was taking my side so she said. “Are you his PA or manager? He can directly talk to me if he has the guts to do so.” Then I told her how impatient she is and she could have not deleted them. She said, “I deleted cause I got it from somewhere.” Like, even then what was the need? She could have just added a message saying Thanks, I got it from somewhere.

And don’t get me wrong. I know this sounds very silly but this is her normal behavior. We have had past quibbles where she would say the meanest, most abusive shit about me in a message. And then would delete it after some time. Like, girl… have a Substack publication at this point. What is this deleting game? Of-course I would be able to read them from my notifications. But this time I had read her messages in the group and even then she deleted. That was just anger acting crazy in her head.

So, after my impatient remark and how I just said ‘Great!’ after she said she got them from somewhere else, she became manic and said some pretty mean things to both of us. “Bro, I can’t tolerate this much insult now. You both are fucking same. Not a single thing is different about you both. You both are made for each other cause you two are literally the same person. I don’t want such help from whores like you. Do whatever the fuck you guys want. I’m done with both of you. One who knows he manipulates him, yet easily gets influenced. Other, who will remain forever insecure and is so jealous that he manipulates others to turn against me. I don’t give a fuck anymore. Classless people. Only feel they are at the top. Narcissist!”

Well, I’m guilty for what I did after this, but I just had to, cause that guilt was killing me from inside and now that she had literally abused me over just one comment of impatience I made about her, I couldn’t hold it back anymore.

I sent this message with the screenshots to Rochester. “I just can’t hold back anymore. I don’t know if you’ll talk to me again after knowing this but she forced me to not tell you. Yes I blocked her from everywhere after that day when I blocked you two but after that she begged me to keep talking to her. I basically felt pity at her condition cause she would always say how you would mentally torture her. So, we started talking in secret just for notes and maybe sometimes, whenever she wanted to trauma dump about you. She would never listen to what I had to say. Just telling her shit and asking for sympathy. I’ve been feeling very guilty since the past few days so I decided to end it with her yesterday. These are its screenshots. I’m very very sorry for everything. Goodbye.”

He saw the message, got angry rightfully so, and called her. She called me and said, “Can’t you understand basic stuff? Why did you do this? Will you do anything in anger?” “So, that is only allowed for you to do. Saying and doing anything in a fit of rage. Is that so?”, I said. “Who said it was about you? I was talking to him not you then you jumped in between our conversation.” “Weren’t you the one who asked me to do so?”, I said. She had no answer to that but she started crying and getting really angry and mean on the phone. I just said, “I did what I had to do. I was feeling guilty. And wasn’t feeling mentally well for the past few days. I did it to save myself from drowning in the guilt?” I said sorry and she cut the call.

And that was how ladies and gentleman, I got rid of the guilt. Now the question is, did I do something wrong? Probably. Does all this sound slightly misogynistic? Some might say yes and to that I say, go ahead. For me, respecting the person is more important than respecting a gender. The things they do are what matter to me. Not what they are. Am I feeling guilty as sin? After I told him about her and me and how he stopped talking to me? Yes, yes I do feel that but this guilt is far more palatable than the one I was feeling earlier. Also, I always felt I was a use & throw friend for him. The moment things were good with his gf, he would ignore me, and whenever they would fight, he would use me as his backup option. Like seriously, I was fed up being that. Yes I considered him as my best friend and still do but I hated this. Both of them were kind of using me for their own reasons in a way. Glad I got out the slammer.

So, in the end I just wanna say that, guilt is a strong emotion and sometimes it can force you to do things that might not be right. But for your own sanity, you should. Just because someone else’s mental health depends on you being with them, doesn’t mean you’ll ruin yours. No matter how good of relations you have with someone, at the end of the day, you can never lie to yourself. You can never sacrifice your own sanity for someone else’s. If some people don’t agree with this sentiment, it’s completely fine. Everyone has the right to think in their own way, and this is how I think about guilt.

I never wanted to write something like this but this triangle of sorts between her, him, and me hadn’t been making me feel good for months. Glad everything has come to an end. I don’t know when will I come back here again but thankyou so much for reading this one.

Side note: I just finished watching Euphoria season 2. Yeah I know I’m late but I loved it. I just love how messy it is. And Jules and Rue’s situation felt quite similar to mine for some reason but anyway, Lexi’s play was a fucking masterpiece. Like budget who? Kat’s character was literally ruined in this season. Know that was intentional, but I’ll miss Barbie so much in the next one. Can’t wait for season 3! Though I am not setting my expectations high for it.

RIP Angus and Eric. They will always be missed. Nobody could have played Fez & Cal like they did.

Farewell.